Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Wedding Singers


I was at a wedding recently and they had a wedding singer there that was really, really bad. To begin with, while I was standing in the hallway of the church before the wedding began, this particular person was bragging about how she was going to be featured on the next season of "American Idol" and how she would be in the first group of contestants. Nobody asked her but, she felt the need to repeat this over and over to anyone who would listen. She reminded me of some of those really stuck up, high maintenance divas that I used to be so attracted to back in the 80's... so much so that I was annoyed with her before she even began to sing.

I was only at this wedding in the first place because the bride was the niece of a friend of mine. I didn't know the bride or the groom personally. The first thing about this wedding that took me out was that the groomsmen came down the aisle from one direction and the bridesmaids came from another direction. Once they were lined up, somebody cued up the music... Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's classic "You're All I Need To Get By". The groomsmen turned counter clockwise and the bridesmaids turned towards them. Then, they all walked past each other, came back, spun around, and walked down the aisle together. I suppose, somebody thought this was cute. I just chuckled and sat in the back of the church in my suit and sunglasses, trying to look cool. Then, the wedding singer appeared.

If you thought the bridesmaids and groomsmens little "whatever" was bizarre, it got worse. First off, the song she sung had nothing to do with a wedding, love, or anything. She sang "Listen", the song that Beyonce sang in the movie "Dreamgirls". Maybe it did have something to do with the wedding.

Usually a wedding singer sings one song right? They had this woman down to sing two songs. She was so obnoxious and over emoted so much that, one song from her was more than enough. She then belts out the Keisha Cole song "Sent from Heaven" and dragged it on as though Simon and Paula were in the audience. I just shook my head. At least, she didn't sing "Bust Your Windows" by Jazmine Sullivan.

Do you know that at the reception, she had to nerve to be asking people if they thought she was good? Of course, people lied and said... "Oh, chillle, you was wonderful! I ran off to the restroom because it's hard to hold your food down amongst so much B.S. As obnoxious as this woman was, at least she could hold a note. The other wedding singer that I'm going to talk next about brought me to tears.

I was the best man at my frat brother's wedding and this guy comes in wearing a pink suit with ruffled sleeves and a gerri curl. He looked like an overweight version of Martin Lawrence's character, Jerome. He also looked like time and good fashion sense stopped for him on December 31, 1974.

We were standing up in front of the church and this guy was singing (and not well, mind you) "You Are My Lady" by Freddie Jackson. He's doing all of these runs and fills and making me hate the song that I once liked. I was holding my head down and trying as hard as I could not to bust out laughing. I looked over at my frat brother and he's got his head bowed and waving his hand at me as if to say, "Don't look at me, man." I can see tears running down the side of his face.

I looked at the bride and she's not even trying to front... she is visibly laughing (a girl after my own heart). Anyone who has ever been in the black church knows that, no matter how bad you sound, someone in the church will egg you on. "Go head boy! Sannnnnnng! Let Him use yahhhhh! Alright now! Welllll!"

Upon hearing this, Gerri Curl Jones really began to perform. He got down on one knee and held the mike like he was James Brown. I was about to burst. If somebody had walked out with a cape, put it on his shoulders, and walked him back to the pew, I would have left the church.

The piano player stopped playing, folded his arms, and just glared at this guy. I just couldn't take it any longer... I howled! My frat brother lost it and his bride, who was already laughing, let it hang loose. The groomsmen smiled but, they tried to hold it together. A few of the bridesmaids began to laugh too. Nobody in the audience had a clue as to why we were laughing. I'm sure that they thought we were just nervous young people.

Unlike the American Idol runner up in the other wedding, this guy knew that we were laughing at him. He got his check and caught the fastest thing smoking out of that area when his part in the wedding was done. He wasn't at the reception or around for any of the photos. Thank God!

Now, what I didn't mention is that I used to be a Wedding Singer too. In the 80's and once in the 90's, I sang at a few weddings and made pretty good money at it. I always wore a black tux or at least a black or gray pin-striped suit and had a nice close haircut... nothing extreme. I would like to think that I always picked tasteful music and brought my own musician with me to make sure it was done right.

I haven't sung at a wedding since 1992 so, when a co-worker who is the daughter of another one of my former college friends asked me to do so today, I respectfully declined. After the way I have laughed at and clowned the previous two wedding singers, bad karma might be following me. I might trip and fall or get my pants caught on a hook and rip them off in the middle of the church or something. I choose not to tempt fate.

25 comments:

Sean said...

Hillarious!!!

Toni said...

Keith,you are too funny!

Simon Bastion said...

I too have been a wedding singer..It is good money..This post brought back some fond memories.

Angie B. said...

You're insane in the brain man!!
ROFLMBAO!!!

James Perkins said...

I'm still laughing after reading this...Glad I read your post on "Escapades" first..lolol.

Captain Jack said...

Keith,I would have loved to have heard and saw you singing at weddings.

Lisa said...

Too Funny!

Halo said...

ROFLMBAO @ You!...I love this post,it's essential Keith at his best.

Swaggie said...

I love your personal anecdotes the best fam....and this one goes up there with "Clem", the guy who took his teeth out on the date as one of the funniest.

TATE2 said...

I needed a good laugh this morning, thanks for giving it to me.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Wow, I needed to read this...I haven't been feeling too great this week. However, this made my day just a bit brighter.

BTW, you can sing??????

Vanessa said...

I'm going to lose my job if I keep reading your blogs...I have busted out laughing three times this morning alone..I know people at my job are looking at me side eyed.

Jazzy said...

You crazy fam...I needed a good laugh this morning..This was a great big laugh!

Grover Tha Playboy said...

God man, my sides are hurting...
I'm glad I read "Escapades" first..
This was too funny.

Sunflower said...

Simply priceless!lololol.

Cheryl said...

I'm cracking up...I didn't know what this was about when I first saw the title and the photo...
This was soo funny.

Brenda said...

There is no need for me to start my own blog..You've done it all,I can't compete with this...

A very funny post.

Keith said...

"Essential Keith"?? Wow Halo-I'm speechless,but thanks for the compliment.


BCU- Yeah, I can, a little bit-lolol.

Rich Fitzgerald said...

I could picture that so well. I'm sitting here at work busting a gut.

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

I had no idea you could sing.

I can't hold in my laughter so I know I would have totally lost it once he started bending down.

Arlene said...

Keith,

Go ahead and sing!! I love your voice as much as your writing. You should've told your readers how much you sound like Stevie Wonder. I'll bet you could even get your "little" sidekicks back together for concerts.
Chadd, Jon, Jeff, and Bryan could be your back-up!!

SING!!!

Angel said...

Keith, there must be a video somewhere of you singing, I would have loved to hear that! I bet you are fantastic!

Your story had me laughing so so much! Thanks for bringing smiles to my life today

Mizrepresent said...

I loved this post, but the most interesting thing is that you were once a wedding singer...how profound is that, lol!

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

ROFL! I'd paid to see you in action.

Strongblkwmn said...

Hilarious!

Not Sexual Chocolate at the wedding. I would have loved to see that.




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