Thursday, June 11, 2009

Memories Are Made Of This


Why do people stay in toxic relationships? Why do people continue to do the same things and play the same roles over and over and over again ad nauseum? When these toxic relationships produce the same results, why do these same people act surprised? What did they think was going to happen?

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone that gave me the answer that I had long been seeking. I usually have this type of conversation with a woman but this time, I had it with a man. This guy that I work with was bemoaning the fact that a relationship he had with a certain woman was over.

"She really wasn't a nice person" he said. Yes, I agreed, but you knew that... she didn't try to hide who and what she was. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could have seen what type of woman she was before she arrived. Everybody could see this except this guy. This brings me to another point. People see not only what they want to see but, more importantly, what they "need" to see.

He went on about the number of times he paid for all of her drinks in the bar and when they went out, she never had to pay for anything. He said that every year, he bought her extravaganr and expensive birthday and Christmas gifts and he has yet to receive a card. However, he did receive a text saying "Happy Birthday"... that ought to count for something.

After he talked about the bad, he got wistful and talked about the good times... the picnics in the park, the times she gave him money to gas up his car, the times he would call her cell phone and talk to her while she was driving home from night school so she wouldn't fall asleep on the road, the many times they sat on her steps late at night and drank Hypnotiq (Arrrrgggggggghhh) and just laughed and laughed. I've drank Hypnotiq... it didn't make me laugh.

Now, you know why I prefer to have this kind of conversation with the ladies. Somehow, when they retell a story, it doesn't make me want to hurl. But, I say all that to say this... it's the memories and mostly the good ones, that make people stay. It's the good memories that occurred in the early days, when the relationship was new, that makes people believe that if they try it again or if they stick it out, those days might come back.

People change, though. Women meet a guy, see potential, and attempt to change the man. Men fall in love with a woman just the way she is at that time in her life and then get dismayed when she changes. It's a never ending cycle and after the relationship has gone full circle and both people clearly realize that they are wrong for each other, instead of calling it a day, "having one more shot for the road" (as Frank Sinatra would sing), and going on their merry way, they start all over again. They do the same things to each other too and in the end, all of the things that weren't right in the first place get magnified each time you go through the ringer with that toxic person in your life.

I can't judge the man I was talking to yesterday because I've been there before myself. It was the good memories that gave you that unreal high. You became like a junkie and eventually, when things all go bad, you're now just hanging on to something that's no longer there so that you won't get sick. It's a vicious circle. Human beings have very short memories and I've talked about this before.

In closing, I'll quote Maya Angelou... "When people tell you who they are, believe 'em!" (Thanks O.G., that is becoming my favorite quote!)

24 comments:

Jillian said...

its very true...and you don't typically hear about a man in that situation...usually women holding onto what COULD BE instead of WHAT IS....

and i love that Maya Angelou quote!...it's so very true :)

All is going well over here Keithmeister....:)

Mizrepresent said...

I agree as well with Maya and you! It's funny i was going over in my head the last relationship i was in...the good and the bad...and clearly the bad outweighed the good...it was toxic to a point...so i got out...just in time.

Arlene said...

Good post Keith. Biology can be blamed for some of the addictive behaviors some women have in their relationships with men. That's why it is so important for young women (and old women too) to carefully select a partner. That hormone released in the brain can make a woman "stupid" for a specific man, willing to do ALL to keep a relationship even when abuse is involved. Men have the same hormone but a lesser amount is released in the male body. I think that's why monogamy is so important and yet so difficult. Only self-control, a gift of the Holy Spirit, can protect us from ourselves.

SLC said...

You know, some people change and others just get comfortable and reveal who they were all along.

For me first impressions are not lasting impressions. Many people have erased my first impression of them, but others etch that phony 1st impression in stone and won't let it get erased by the truth.

SLC said...

I was just reading this advice column where the writer states, "You'll only be ready for a relationship when you can take or leave being in one."

I know some people who need to hear that.

Toni said...

Just getting here today...Another
insightful post..You've been talking a lot about love and redemption and pure forgiveness lately...Just an observation.

Sean said...

Good Stuff Keith, as usual.

Captain Jack said...

I thought that I would be the last commentor today. Good post as usual
Keith.

James Perkins said...

Not original thoughts or conclusions, but still common sense stuff that needs to be adhered to Just the same.

Jazzy said...

Still over here preaching fam!-lolol

Swaggie said...

I agree ,when people tell you who they are, believe em.

Angie B. said...

This is so true ,all I can do is stand and applaud!

Sunflower said...

Very true , obvious and common sense like,but still ,as usual you make your case.

Cheryl said...

You've been on a roll this week!

Brenda said...

Good Post once again...do you ever hit that writer's block??

Tate2 said...

Love the Maya Angelou quote!

Lisa said...

Let me break out my tambourine and
do my dance ....loved this Keith!

Halo said...

I shoulda read this before my last relationship :)

Vanessa said...

I thought Angie B. was about to stand and applaud and toss something like the commentor on your other blog who remains anonymous and silly...Yet I understand what she meant..This was the business Keith.

Simon Bastion said...

Ahhh Love....Do we ever learn? Are we ever free of the passion and the drama?

Grover Tha Playboy said...

Still doin the damn thang over here
huh Fam?

KIM said...

I love that quote and often recite it to people who need to hear it! Of course they never take the advice because what I have found is that people who need that quote want to be in dysfunctional relationships! It's the dysfunction in them that keep them with people who are so wrong. Good post!

Solomon said...

Relationships are just plain and simply "weird", and you hit the nail on the head when you said that they always start out one way, usually good, and turn into a mess.

Well, at least I can tell you that's what has always happened in the relationships I've been in.

No more mess for this dude, once I start smelling disfunction, I'm runnin for the hills. {smiles}

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

ROFL at it not making want to hurl when women tell these stories,,,I'm just the opposite. Sometimes women's stories are so 'woe is me'...knowing good and well they didn't treat the guy right in the first place (I think that was a self-confession there...lol). I like this quote and the thought that there are three sides to every story...his, hers and the truth...lol




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