Memories Are Made Of This

Why do people stay in toxic relationships? Why do people continue to do the same things and play the same roles over and over and over again ad nauseum? When these toxic relationships produce the same results, why do these same people act surprised? What did they think was going to happen?

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone that gave me the answer that I had long been seeking. I usually have this type of conversation with a woman but this time, I had it with a man. This guy that I work with was bemoaning the fact that a relationship he had with a certain woman was over.

"She really wasn't a nice person" he said. Yes, I agreed, but you knew that... she didn't try to hide who and what she was. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could have seen what type of woman she was before she arrived. Everybody could see this except this guy. This brings me to another point. People see not only what they want to see but, more importantly, what they "need" to see.

He went on about the number of times he paid for all of her drinks in the bar and when they went out, she never had to pay for anything. He said that every year, he bought her extravaganr and expensive birthday and Christmas gifts and he has yet to receive a card. However, he did receive a text saying "Happy Birthday"... that ought to count for something.

After he talked about the bad, he got wistful and talked about the good times... the picnics in the park, the times she gave him money to gas up his car, the times he would call her cell phone and talk to her while she was driving home from night school so she wouldn't fall asleep on the road, the many times they sat on her steps late at night and drank Hypnotiq (Arrrrgggggggghhh) and just laughed and laughed. I've drank Hypnotiq... it didn't make me laugh.

Now, you know why I prefer to have this kind of conversation with the ladies. Somehow, when they retell a story, it doesn't make me want to hurl. But, I say all that to say this... it's the memories and mostly the good ones, that make people stay. It's the good memories that occurred in the early days, when the relationship was new, that makes people believe that if they try it again or if they stick it out, those days might come back.

People change, though. Women meet a guy, see potential, and attempt to change the man. Men fall in love with a woman just the way she is at that time in her life and then get dismayed when she changes. It's a never ending cycle and after the relationship has gone full circle and both people clearly realize that they are wrong for each other, instead of calling it a day, "having one more shot for the road" (as Frank Sinatra would sing), and going on their merry way, they start all over again. They do the same things to each other too and in the end, all of the things that weren't right in the first place get magnified each time you go through the ringer with that toxic person in your life.

I can't judge the man I was talking to yesterday because I've been there before myself. It was the good memories that gave you that unreal high. You became like a junkie and eventually, when things all go bad, you're now just hanging on to something that's no longer there so that you won't get sick. It's a vicious circle. Human beings have very short memories and I've talked about this before.

In closing, I'll quote Maya Angelou... "When people tell you who they are, believe 'em!" (Thanks O.G., that is becoming my favorite quote!)