Weekend Humor

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

 He decides to test it at dinner. "Son where were you today?" he asked

His son says " I was at school dad."

 Robot slaps the son!

 " OWWWW!, Heyy, that hurt! Ok, ok I was watching a dvd at my friends house!"

 "What dvd?" asked the father.

"Toy Story." says the son.

 Robot slaps the son again!

" OWWWWW, damn that hurt...OK....Ok, it was a porno! Geeez" cries the son.

 "What!!!!! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

"OWWWWWWWW, Heyyyy...that hurt!" screamed the dad!

Mom laughs"Ha Ha Ha hahahahahaha! He's certainly your son." she laughed.

Robot slaps the mom!

What I've Learned

1. I don't worry about money much....Money doesn't have owners...only spenders.

2.Friendship is one of the most valuable commodities.

3.Some people know what it means to create something special, while others are thinking of how they can capitalize on it!

4.Enjoy moments while you're in them...They seldom come again!

5. As you get older, you tend to get more cautious.

6. Each Day you wake up...the slate is clean....It's a new day!

7.People have said that I'm not adventurous with my eating...Not true...I just have my likes and dislikes.

8.There is a fine line between Quality and Quantity!

9.It's a sin not to pursue the possibility of everything.

10.You can't always hold yourself to the expectations that you hold yourself to.

Keith's Favorite Quotes

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day in life you will have been all these." George Washington Carver, African-American scientist 

Dancin Nancy

I don't know...Maybe It's just a slow news day....Maybe I've hit rock bottom and just gotten to the point where I don't have anything else to write about...Perhaps civilization really is coming to an end...I don't know...but the news is just getting sillier with each minute.

According to TMZ- one of the celebs who will be announced as a "Dancing With the Stars" competitor tonight will be none other than former prosecutor/current TV host Nancy Grace. The uber opinionated Nancy Grace made plenty of headlines and received much criticism for her coverage of the Casey Anthony murder trial. She currently hosts "Nancy Grace" on the Headline News Channel, a subsidiary of CNN.

Oh say it aint so!  Actually, Nancy can do a lot less harm on Dancing with the Stars  than she does on her cable tv show where she and her sycophants (did I spell that right?) try and convict people on national television before they come to trial...

I have to admit...When I'm really, really,really bored...I watch..She's like a car wreck....You really are horrified at the sight, but you have to look...You have to peak between your fingers...   So, much luck to you Nancy...I hear that Mike Tyson may be back on Dancing With the Stars this coming season too!  Mike Tyson, Nancy Grace! Now that's must see TV!

Good Night Irene

Hurricane Irene slammed into my city (Philadelphia,PA.) yesterday and most of last night...Being the ex-military man that I am...I was prepared for the contingency as we used to say....My wife and I made our trip to the Supermarket early yesterday morning...

We picked up TV dinners, canned goods, water, juices, snacks and batteries for flashlights...We made sure that we picked up any medications that we would need from their pharmacy. Our next stop was Lowe's..

We stopped at Lowes for plastic buckets in case their was any leakage from the ceiling. (It wasn't..) I had an idea of getting some sandbags to fortify the garage and the basement..but that was aborted...I came too late..
It seems several people had beat me to it...So I would have to cross my fingers or improvise...Another thing I learned from being in the military. (Never thought those disastor preparadeness exercises would ever come in handy.) We had first aid kits, flashlights, batteries, a working battery powered radio  ,buckets and plenty of food.  Our next and last stop was .....The Gas Station.  What if we had to evacuate??  Of course we didn't...but I was hearing reports that in New York City (which is being hit hard as I write this) they did have to evacuate parts of it... I wouldn't want to have to evacuate with next to no gas in the car...So off to Hess we went!.

After gassing up...It was home we went...I parked the car and we went inside...Thankfully, there was no power outage, unlike in other places... No flooding either.  The corner of my block has been known to flood under normal circumstances....It didn't last night.  We had power, cable (another surprise...Our cable has been known to go out if the wind blows too hard, which it was last night and early this morning.) and internet access all night.  We charged our phones immediately after getting home so that we would have access to the outside world just in case......

Then we waited!

Irene came with a fury!...High winds...Almost unending rain and it appears that it has passed as of this writing and we are all in one piece.  A soft wind is blowing.  There is light rain...but nothing like yesterday and early this morning... Good Night Irene and good riddance! Deuces Irene!

Weekend Humor

Duke and Marlene were married for 16 years. When they first got married Duke  said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 16 years of marriage Marlene never looked. However on the afternoon of their 17th anniversary .curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Marlene could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Duke thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Marlene was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Marlene asked Duke, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Keith's Favorite Quotations

This was sent to me as one of those endless office e-mails that your friends always have time to send..This has often been attributed to comedian George Carlin...but I'm not sure if he said this or not.  There is something in this about prayer and he was an outspoken atheist, so I'm doubtful if he actually said this..but this is still words to live by. I'm going to say that the true author is unknown...This is still a fovorite of mine.


"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.


We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.


We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.


We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.


We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.


These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...


Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.


Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.


Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.


Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.


Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.


Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Peace!

R.I.P. Nick Ashford

 Nick Ashford  May 8, 1942,  - August 22, 2011

Nick Ashford...One half of the great songwriting duo of Ashford and Simpson died Monday night after a long battle with cancer.

Ashford & Simpson's songs are so ingrained in American pop culture ,that they almost seem to have written themselves at times. — Such songs like "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and "You're All I Need to Get By." Nick Ashford was married to his songwriting partner, Valerie Simpson, for over 30 years. Nick Ashford died Monday at the age of 69.

Ashford and Simpson wrote "Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing" for Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, "Reach Out and Touch (Somebody's Hand)" for Diana Ross, when she began her solo career.

Nick Ashford told NPR five years ago he never expected that song (''Solid")) to get that big. "I was shocked ,surprised — when "Solid" became a hit," he said. "I wasn't sure I thought — I loved the song but didn't think it would rise to the heights it rose. It was just interesting to me. And now it's like our anthem.
We can't leave the stage before we sing that."

Nick Ashford met Valerie Simpson at a Harlem church, she was a 17-year-old music student and he was a down-on-his-luck dancer, the son of a construction worker from Michigan. Their first big hit began as a joke when they started working with a major music publisher.

"We came into his office one day and he said, 'You guys got a song for us?'" remembers Ashford. "And we said, 'Oh, yeah, we wrote this great song.' But it was a song we went out the door singing when we couldn't write any songs. We would say, ''Let's go get stoned.'" The song became a hit for Ray Charles, who was then fresh from rehab.

They caught the attention of Motown's Berry Gordy Jr. and Smokey Robinson who signed them to a lucrative contract as Producers and songwriters and soon had them penning hits for Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, Martha Reeves & The Vandellas, Diana Ross, The Marvelettes, The Four Tops and other Motown acts. Valerie Simpson even enjoyed a short career as a solo artist on Motown's Tamla imprint.

After they left Motown in the early 70's, they became a very popular duo in the mold of Marvin and Tammi and began writing and producing for themselves as well as Chaka Khan, Teddy Pendergrass, Whitney Houston and collaborations with Quincy Jones among others.

 Valerie Simpson wrote the music and Nick Ashford wrote the lyrics.. As a song lyricist, Nick Ashford was a master of economical storytelling. He'd use just a few words to convey a huge, powerful story in a four-minute song. Which is not always easy to do. You have characters presented, you have drama, there's suspense, there's tension, there's conflict — and that in a nutshell was Nick Ashford's true lyrical skill and magic.

I Missed The Quake!

Today, there was apparently an earthquake!  An earthquake that I managed to miss completely, if you can believe that.!  It occurred in between one and two o'clock according to what I am hearing...I was ironically enough at chapel service over in the hospital when it occurred.  I go to this service every Tuesday, especially when I've missed Sunday service..So while I was in the chapel listening to the speaker of the week..This is what was happening elsewhere-

Hundreds of thousands of people evacuated buildings across the East Coast on Tuesday after a moderate earthquake in Virginia that was also felt as far south as Charleston, S.C. and as far north as Boston. No tsunami warning was issued, but air and train traffic was disrupted across the Northeast and mid-Atlantic states.

In the Washington, D.C., area, parts of the Pentagon, White House and Capitol were among the areas evacuated. All memorials and monuments on the National Mall were evacuated and closed.

At the Pentagon, a low rumbling built and built to the point that the building shook. People ran into the corridors of the government's biggest building and as the shaking continued there were shouts of "Evacuate! Evacuate!"

The quake even broke a water main inside the Pentagon, flooding parts of two floors, NBC reported.

"We were rocking," said Larry Beach, who works at the U.S. Agency for International Development in downtown Washington, 83 miles from the quake's epicenter. "It was definitely significant."

Initial damage reports from Washington included Ecuador's embassy and the central tower at the National Cathedral. Three pinnacles on the 30-story-tall tower broke off.

The quake was the third strongest along the East Coast in recorded history, USGS records show. Charleston, S.C., was hit by a 7.3 in 1886 and Giles County, Va., saw a 5.9 in 1897.

Two nuclear reactors near the epicenter were taken offline as a precaution, officials said. No damage was reported at either.

At the U.S. Capitol, light fixtures swung and the building shook for about 15 seconds while the tremor hit, NBC News reported.

The same happened here in Philadelphia, In New York City and as far up as Boston. My daughter and my wife ,who were in different parts of Philadelphia said that they felt their building shaking...

Surprisingly, I felt nothing..Had no idea that anything had happened until I got their phone calls...I saw people in the streets with their smartphones and their IPADs all searching for information...I was doing the same.

I scanned  Facebook and Twitter, where I'm getting most of my news now of days and everybody was talking about the quake...The quake that I completely missed ...Only I could miss an entire earthquake..Go figure.

Talkin Out the Side Of Their Faces

Some times I don't know what these Republicans are talking about.  They bash the President, twenty four seven...Which is all they seem to be good at and all they seem to unite on...Ask them if they have a solution to the nation's economic woes and double digit unemployment and all they want to talk about is debt, reducing the deficit. Not that that is not important...It certainly is...but getting a great many able and willing Americans back to work is just as important!

They also like to talk about not taxing the American public anymore...but what they really mean is that they don't want to tax their corporate sponsers and lobbyists who for the most part are the interests that have funded  many of their campaigns.. (Eric Cantor, the hedge fund baby comes to mind)

Now..Check this out..Congressional Republicans want to raise your taxes. Say Whattt???? Impossible, right? GOP lawmakers are supposed to be so virulently anti-tax, surely they will fight to prevent a payroll tax increase on virtually every wage-earning American starting Jan. 1, right?, right??? Think again!

Many of the same Republicans who fought hammer-and-tong to keep the George W. Bush-era income tax cuts from expiring on schedule are now saying a different "temporary" tax cut should end as planned. By their own definition, that amounts to a tax increase.

.

The tax break extension they oppose is sought by President Barack Obama.(But Of Course! ) Unlike proposed changes in the income tax, this policy helps the 46 percent of all Americans who owe no federal income taxes but who pay a "payroll tax" on practically every dime they earn.

There are other differences as well, and Republicans say their stand is consistent with their goal of long-term tax policies that will spur employment and lend greater certainty to the economy.

"It's always a net positive to let taxpayers keep more of what they earn," says Rep. Jeb Hensarling, "but not all tax relief is created equal for the purposes of helping to get the economy moving again." The Texas lawmaker is on the House GOP leadership team. Is that what they call it now...Leadership? I thought it was cronyism!


The debate is likely to boil up in coming weeks as a special bipartisan committee seeks big deficit reductions and weighs which tax cuts are sacrosanct.

At issue is a tax that the vast majority of workers pay, but many don't recognize because they don't read, or don't understand their pay stubs.(Republicans count on you not knowing about this.) Workers normally pay 6.2 percent of their wages toward a tax designated for Social Security. Their employer pays an equal amount, for a total of 12.4 percent per worker.

As part of a bipartisan spending deal last December, Congress approved  President Obama's request to reduce the workers' share to 4.2 percent for one year; employers' rate did not change. President Obama wants Congress to extend the reduction for an additional year. If not, the rate will return to 6.2 percent on Jan. 1.

President Barack Obama cited the payroll tax in his weekend radio and Internet address Saturday, when he urged Congress to work together on measures that help the economy and create jobs. "There are things we can do right now that will mean more customers for businesses and more jobs across the country. We can cut payroll taxes again, so families have an extra $1,000 to spend," he said.

..Social Security payroll taxes apply only to the first $106,800 of a worker's wages. Therefore, $2,136 is the biggest benefit anyone can gain from the one-year reduction.The great majority of Americans make less than $106,800 a year. Millions of workers pay more in payroll taxes than in federal income taxes.

The 12-month tax reduction will cost the government about $120 billion this year, and a similar amount next year if it's renewed. That worries Rep. David Camp, R-Mich., chairman of the tax-writing Ways and Means Committee, and a member of the House-Senate supercommittee tasked with finding new deficit cuts. Tax reductions, "no matter how well-intended," will push the deficit higher, making the panel's task that much harder, Camp's office said.

But Republican lawmakers haven't always worried about tax cuts increasing the deficit. They led the fight to extend the life of a much bigger tax break: the major 2001 income tax reduction enacted under former President Bush. It was scheduled to expire at the start of this year.President Obama campaigned on a pledge to end the tax break only for the richest Americans, but solid GOP opposition forced him to back down.

Many Republicans are adamant about not raising taxes but largely silent on what it would mean to let the payroll tax break expire.

Republicans cite key differences between the two "temporary" taxes, starting with the fact that the Bush measure had a 10-year life from the start. To stimulate job growth, these lawmakers say, it's better to reduce income tax rates for people and for companies than to extend the payroll tax break.

"We don't need short-term gestures. We need long-term fundamental changes in our tax structure and our regulatory structure that people who create jobs can rely on," said Sen. Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn., when asked about the payroll tax matter. This is the same lie they've been telling since President Reagon was in office..Two key words...Deregulation... and trickle down economics....It hasn't created not one job yet!

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., "has never believed that this type of temporary tax relief is the best way to grow the economy," said spokesman Brad Dayspring.

The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office says payroll tax reductions give the economy a short-term boost. But it says the benefit is bigger if employers get the tax break instead of, or along with, workers.

Some top Republicans have taken a wait-and-see approach, expecting the payroll tax issue to be a bargaining chip in the upcoming debt reduction talks.

So Long story short..Here is what this really means...In a round about way...The Republicans don't want you and I, the average consumer and worker to have a tax break...They don't think you and I having a little extra money in our wallets will jump start the economy...What they are really saying is that that extra money would be better served in the coffers of the multi-national corporations and their stockholders and that if these corporations get the money, they will create jobs.  Only they won't...They'll just keep the money,

They'll still send the jobs overseas, where they don't have to pay any benefits to the workers or as high a wage as they would an American worker.  They'll make a profit and still pocket the extra dough...You and I will still be broke or if we have a job, struggling to make ends meet.  It's not their problem...They don't care....

Amazing!!!...And they've said that in a way that the average American won't understand it.. The stupid American will actually think that what they just said is something they will benefit from...But they won't!!! They will have in the long run fallen for the okey doke.  They'll be told by the Republicans, who they voted for and who sold them down the river...that it's all President Obama's fault!  That's what they've been doing..and laughing at how gullible and silly most of us are. They are laughing because they know ,like I have come to know...That most Americans need to be lied to.  They love a fantasy...Truth and more importantly, hard truth's are just too much to swallow.  They can't deal with it!.

Just more double talk...More Republicans talkin out of the side of their faces! And Some of you believing it!

Weekend Humor

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,


The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

 I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.


So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.


Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.


It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.


I found that lots of people love Jesus!


While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'


'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'


What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!


Everyone started honking!


I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!


There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.


I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.


I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.


He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.


Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.


My grandson burst out laughing.


Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!


A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.


I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.


So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.


I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.


So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Tea Anyone?

FACT- The Tea Party's popularity has dropped. Are Americans finally catching on? The Tea Party didn't exactly emerge from the debt ceiling fight smelling like a rose, according to a new CBS/New York Times poll. You know that I always read em.

The movement's unpopularity jumped to 40 percent, up from 29 percent in late April. And House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) now sports what Slate columnist Dave Wiegel calls a "Gingrichian" disapproval rating of 57 percent.

"(It's) a pyhrric victory for Democrats, but I'd bet they'll take it," Dave Wiegel writes.
Of course they will...You take what you can get...But more importantly, you take this discontent and buil on it!

Oh, and who do voters blame for exploding the federal budget deficit? Drum Roll please!The George W. Bush administration, hands down,( No mystery there!) with 44 percent. Fifteen percent apiece said President Obama or Congress. And 10 percent said all of the above. Guess that's why Republicans keep telling us to stop looking in the rearview mirror, huh?