Saturday, December 6, 2008

Happy Holiday Tips

As the holidays begin, I wanted to pass these tips along to you. Enjoy the spirit of the festivities.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. It's rare... you cannot find it any other time of year but now so, drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies or pralines in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies... apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but, avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read the tips and start over but hurry... January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by... "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body; but rather, skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

Have a great, wonderful, and tremendously blessed holiday season.

Brought to you by the Maverick of all Bloggers!


Anonymous said...

Thanks for stopping by, Keith...

You always have fun here....

Toni said...

Yes we do have a lot of fun here,
Your blog is great to read while
sitting in Starbucks with my laptop
drinking coffee-lol.

Angie B. said...

@-lol- "The Maverick of Bloggers-lololololol.

Lisa said...

This was funny!

Sunflower said...

Nice Post Keith!

James Perkins said...

A Nice Holiday post. I'll be sure to do those things.

Vanessa said...

@Toni- You had me until you said "Starbucks Coffee"- Yuck! but to each her own.

Halo said...

@Vanessa ,Toni- Yeah..I like Dunkin
Donuts Coffee the best.

Nice Post Keith.

Simon Bastion said...

Nice Fun Posts, You've been giving us nice light hearted posts the past few days...It's a pleasure to come to your blogs..I read a lot of the blogs and they have so much political comentary on them. I know that yours does too a lot of times, but I'm glad that you mix it up with light hearted, funny stuff from time to time.

Tate2 said...

Love this post Keith, but I don't like Egg Nog-lololol...Sorry, won't be drinking any of that for Christmas.

Grover Tha Playboy said...

@Tate2- Whatttt, you don't like Egg Nog?? Man, you get you some Henny and Mix it up in that Nog and you got nothin but a party..lolololol.

Angie B. said...

@Grover- lolololol-I heard that!
I love egg nog with a little bourbon myself.

Regina said...

Keith!!! My, my aren't you just the fountain of party wisdom!! This post was hilarious and what I needed!
Too funny!

The Dreamy One said...

umhhhh sir if I follow all those tips i will be as fat as a house,lol

i do love me egg nog. i can drink 10 of those,lol

awwwwh i hope you have a wonderful holiday season also.

Somebodies Friend said...


We usually see eye to eye on most everything, but I'm sorry bro, I gots to get that exercise in and I don't want the corpes looking to worn out when they are lowering me down into the hole.

I'm all for the feasting though, what are the holidays for anyway?

The F$%K it List said...

Haha. This was funny!

My favorite was Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but, avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

hhahaha,i never associated low standards with fruit cake.

CurvyGurl said...

I have to print this out. #2 is my favorite...tee hee.


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