Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Game Done Changed


I was sitting with two female co-workers of mine at "Happy Hour" not too long ago (I was there for the delicious barbecue winglets... for real!) At the time, one of my friends was going through a bad break up with a guy she had lived with for five years and I discussed him in another post. This is the guy who showed up at a Christmas party given by another one of my co-workers at their home and preceeded to drink every liquid available... then, he fell face-first onto the living room floor, embarrassing my friend to no end. His drinking was just one of the problems in their relationship, in addition to getting high and cheating. He admitted cheating on her during their entire relationship before he packed his things and left about two months ago.

I suggested that she not get into anything heavy right away and certainly not to let anybody live with her again unless a ring was involved. I told her that maybe she should just date, see what's out there, and not get serious. Both women looked at me like I had just spoken a foreign language and said to me, "Date? What do you mean by date?" I said that perhaps she should just go out to dinner, a movie, a game, or one of those Tyler Perryesque-type plays that she likes so much.

Both women laughed at me and one said, "You're so sweet but, you're a throwback Keith. You've obviously been married too long. Guys don't date nowadays... they want to hang out at your place and go to bed with you the next night, if they can. And, don't let them find out you got a house... then, they want to move in and I'm not about to go there anytime soon." The other woman said that a lot of guys she meets don't have a job, are way over 40 years old, and living with mom or some other woman who is taking care of them.

Here is my thing... I don't doubt that there are sorry guys like this on the street and I firmly agree with Lisa over at "Black Women, Blow The Trumpet!" that women should date quality men, regardless of race. So, why are these women just accepting this kind of thing? When did the game change?

Have I been off the "streets" that long? I didn't go near a women if I didn't have a job. Every woman, even the most easy-going and non-demanding woman, wants to be taken out sometime, wants flowers, or wants something, right? And, most guys knew that they had to "put in some time" before they could even think about sex. Let's just keep it real.

Here's what I think has happened... "studies", Essence Magazine, and talk shows are bombarding black women with statistics that say that black women outnumber black men who are "suitable for marriage" by six to one. A number of black men are in prison, a number of them are unemployed, and then there are those who are gay or on the down low. Subtract all of these men and you have the rest of us.

Women feel that since the pickings are so slim that they have to settle for so much less. It's a shame. You pay for the bad choices that you make, ladies. Just because a guy has a six figure job, his own house, and a nice car doesn't make him a good guy either. He can be just as much a bad choice as the guy with no job who is living with mom or some other woman and wants you to take care of him.

As my hair flippin' little sis Karrie B. says, "teach people how to treat you." Have some requirements, ladies. You have the power. If you don't require anything, you're not going to get much back. When you think of it, why should you? If I can walk all over you and still get to lay down beside you at the end of the day, why shouldn't I? By your inaction, you just told me it was okay.

The game really has changed... women were not seemingly so desperate when I was "on the street". Has it really gotten this bad? A lot of women will tell me it has but, I want to be optimistic. I tend to think that a lot of potentially good brothers just get overlooked because they don't have the flash or the swagger that attracts a lot of women.

I'm interested in everybody's thoughts on this matter.

(Special thanks to Zack, CareyCarey, Truth, and Lisa Vazquez for the inspiration for this post.)

28 comments:

CareyCarey said...

Hello Keith

You know my feelings on this subject and for personal reasons I want to be fair. However for every "Ying" there's a "Yang". Women do get duped but I agree, the game done changed. When you said their inaction sent a message, a bell went off. I was in the game/market/dating game for a few years not to long ago. The game done flipped because I found women to be more vulturous than I could have ever imagined. I am old school and I felt like a pork chop in a lions den. I felt like a leper with snot and boogers hanging from my nose if I didn't ask a women to run off to the hideaway hotel. It's messed up man ...for real!

I like the suspense of dating but a brotha has to take his robe with him or he's out of the game. The sky done fell down ...and some sistas are standing on top of it holding it down.

Btw, I changed my grip on "ladies please" check it out. Thanks for the shout out!

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

GREAT POST!!

Now, for my FIVE cents: I'm young (24), so I haven't been dating seriously for a very long time. Prior to my current relationship that I'm in right now, I've only had one other serious relationship. He wasn't a "bum." He worked, paid his bills, had his own place (a house), his own car, and he was even paying his child support on the regular. He was also a young black male (28).

Since I was so caught up in him, when we broke up, I assumed every man was like him, so I looked forward to the dating scene. I assumed it wouldn't be hard for me to find an educated black man who was a hard worker and took care of his responsibilities...sad to say, but I was wrong. The dating scene was crap. If it wasn't this man telling me I was too educated/too many goals, there was this other who wished to be a rapper, then there was this one who always needed money, then there were the insecure ones who thought black women were taking everything. There were so many men that I met who were used to women "buying" them, had nothing to show for in life, had no goals...it was hell. After a couple of failed attempts, I thought about dating "outside of the box" (i.e. age, race). The dating scene for me began to look promising, for I began to enjoy dating...so much that I was very hesitant about being in a relationship when my current BF approached me with it because I was having fun!!

I'm a woman with standards, and I stand by that. My standards aren't extremely high, for all I require is an education, a job, and the ability to connect with me...it's a shame to know how hard those standards are hard to find.

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

My Prince Charming walked away from our marriage in 2006 and my fear was "not" being alone or being deperate for anyone, my fear was allowing someone to have my "heart" again. I love this post and I love the advice you gave. Slow down, take the "me" time to see how "you/she" participated in the breakdown of the relationship. Even if he was the dog, drunk, cheater, etc.... If you stayed and allowed it to continue, then you participated in allowing an unhealthy relationship to continue and he assumed that you were ok with it. They are men out there willing to date, believe me... I'm dating and by my rules. No one is moving into this house and no one is leaving his belongings here, and no one is borrowing money from me, I could go on but I have determined my worth and who is worthy. We have to set the standards, make the rules and the list and stick to it. Just don't set unrealistic expectations built on past hurts. One thing I learned from my divorce is that I expected a man to fill in where my birth father abandoned me; which was not fair. Now that I have closure with that and have taken almost three years of me time, I know what I want in a relationship and what I will not tolerate. I read a great book that helped me along my journey. Of course you can't go wrong with the Holy Bible; but I'm suggesting A woman's worth, by Marriane Williamson. Also ladies, if you were abandoned by your dad at any age for any reason, I highly recommend "Whatever happened to Daddy's girl." I think her name is Joanna Barrass?? You have to know who you are before you know what you want! Love, peace and blessings for a healthier you and a healthier relationship.

Sorry for the long story Keith. This post hit home for me!

Kofi Bofah said...

Some women are attracted to projects, though.

You know - thinking that "I can change him" and what not. Personally, I don't even listen to what people say - I look at what they do. If a woman keeps finding herself in relationships with a "project" ie, a loser - than those are really the type of men that she is looking for. Although, she will never admit to it.

I know have Biggie "Things Done Changed" playing in my head, too...

Kofi Bofah said...

This is random.

You know I hate it when in blog world - a female is talking about how she is looking for Mr. Right - blah blah blah and basically slamming the Black Man. And she iz writing like dis and dat ya know?

1: I hate to see the Black Man getting slammed.
2: The blogger female can't even spell!

If you want to go there - if you want to slam anybody could you at least get it together your own self?

What educated, eligible bachelor is going to go near a woman that can barely even spell or put together coherent sentences?

No wonder you don't have a man.

CareyCarey said...

Hello

I don't know if this is proper decorum but I noticed a reply that hit home.

@ A Free Spirit Butterfly ...Hello Miss Butterfly, your reply speaks to a post I just penned. Keith and I have kicked around this subject (he's my mentor even if he doesn't know it) ...drop by and check it out. I would love to hear you comments! Well, there are a couple of posts ...you make the call *smile*.

I am new to the blog world so please excuse any intrusion ...if there is one.

CareyCarey said...

Hello

I just couldn't let that lay there.

@ Kofi Bofah ..."whats love got to do with it?" ...are we talking practice ...practice? -(Allen Iverson)

I am trying to figure out what spelling has to do with it? I hear what you are saying ...but spelling ...really ...REALLY! Are you saying that if she has dangling modifiers and run on sentences she's not worthy? Is she still not a lady full of joy and the ability to give love. Is she then blinded of the ways of some men (after mis-spelling a word?).

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Preach, Keith! Plain and simple men won't date you if you don't make it an expectation. A lot of folks don't agree with Steve Harvey's book, but he also mentioned this issue. I'm tired of women crying and snobbing over these trivial psuedo relationships. You attract what you put out...no pun intended. Have some expectations, requirements, etc. and you'll weed out the garbage. Shoot, I think this inspired a post for me too.

~~~

Uh, oh! Who ticked off my bud, Kofi?!?! I'm not having that!

~~~

Have a fab weekend, fam!

Sunflower said...

Preach Keith!! Nuff Said

Toni said...

Look at you Keith, all up in here startin trouble-lololol..You usally keep it smurfy on the weekends...but you opened up a hornets nest here. I agree with everything you said. A woman should date quality and a woman should have requirements.

Angie B. said...

Keith, you aint never lied. I loved this post.

Vanessa said...

Keith,I loved this post and I agree with what you say, but it's hard to have standards when so many other women don't and allow guys to get away with this crap..How can you compete with that?

Lisa said...

Once Again,I am standing and applauding Keith..Excellent post.

Halo said...

Keith, you're an old school kind of guy..I know exactly what your friends were talking about. Half of the guys I meet want me to give them money...They want to come over my house with a DVD and a Bucket of Chicken and call that a "date" Puh-leaseee!!!

But I understand where you were coming from though.

James Perkins said...

I understand where the ladies are coming from...but what I liked was that you brought up the very real fact that a lot of them are attracted to the flash and swagger ie- bullshit of a lot of these guys that turn out to be all wrong for them.

Tate 2 said...

A lot of these women are looking for a guy that never existed...or who only exists in fantasyland...Which is why they fall for the guys with flash and the b.s. line..

Simon Bastion said...

Interesting Perspectives Brother Keith. Women do have it hard out here.. One question you might ask is what happened to brothers? Why are so many so aimless and so willing to live off of women?

Grover Tha Playboy said...

If I made add my two cents folks...The Game may have changed..but the playas remain the
same.

Jazzy said...

As always a thought provoking post to ponder on a Saturday Afternoon.

Swaggie said...

Both Women and Men have changed since you were dating Keith...A lot of women are willing to share a man. How many knowingly and willfully sleep with a married man or a guy who they know is in a serious relationship?? Guys used to have to hide their rings or keep that a secret..Now of days, seemingly..No one cares.

Captain Jack said...

Since I'm Gay..I'll have to sit this conversation out...Interesting topic just the same.

Sean said...

Keith, you over here kickin up a ruckus on a Saturday afternoon huh?? lololololol.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Had to come back...there are definitions for to all this madness...lol

http://hellobeautiful.blackplanet.com/your-man/kareem-asks-what-is-a-date/#more-154441

Keith said...

Thanks to everybody who gave their opinions and to the lively conversation and discourse..This is what makes blogging so rewarding and worthwhile to me...Hearing from all of you daily.

svrbrownsuga said...

Hey Keith! I have seen ur comments on BCU's blog so I had to check out your blog :D...I completely agree with you that women are not living to high standards anymore. My boyfriend and I had this discussion 2 years ago and his response was basically that women do not need to settle and I agree. Some women do not want to be alone so they will deal with anyone who isnt in jail or gay/downlow..pretty sad.
Nice blog and post :D

Keith said...

@welcome svrbrownsuga and do come back...I always keep it smurfy over here. :)

Vee (Scratch) said...

Hey Keith, good read.

@Vanessa, I thought you're question was interesting. Many young women really hvae trouble with socializing with men in a free-for-all, laissez-faire, anything goes marketplace.

I know its hard to go against the grain, but you really have to reach for something better. Women and men need to raise standards and adhere to some kind morals and values.

Like men, there are many women that want to go to bed within the first day, week or month. To each his own but I am terrorfied of STD's and know how rampant they are in the NYC area. I have friends that works in the EMS and hospitals. I cringe when I hear people talk about old-fashioned ways or throwback practices, hopefully people begin to value their bodies before they offer it away for nothing.

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

Wow Keith. This is one of my favorite posts now.

I'm back in the dating game and I'm appalled at some of the things men do and say. I'm wondering who are the women that let them get away with so much. I have standards and don't apologize for them.




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