Everybody Settles (The Continuing Dialogue)

I wanted to piggyback on the post I wrote yesterday (by the way, I would like to thank everyone who added intelligent insight to the dialogue). One of the things my female friend said that resonated with me was that she was dating a lot of guys who were recently divorced. I don't know how a lot of women feel who are recently divorced but, as a guy who has been married for close to twenty years, I do know that if I was to suddenly be divorced tomorrow, the last thing I would want is to be involved with someone trying to rush me right back to the altar. Ladies, put a quarter in the meter and park right here on this corner... I can imagine I may have lost 50 percent of my readership with that statement but, allow me to explain myself.

A lot of women think that guys don't have feelings and that as long as some sex is involved, we are okay but, that's not completely true. Very few magazines and a small percentage of books ever study the male psyche up close. There are numerous studies on women and their emotional state but, nearly none on males. Comedian Steve Harvey often jokes that men aren't that complex... but again, not exactly so. We are complex... maybe not as complex and layered as a woman but, complex just the same.

After a marriage breaks up, particularly if it had been a close marital team or the two had gone through a lot together, there are still lots of unresolved feelings that remain. This goes both ways... it's with the woman and it's with the man. A court and a piece of paper may end a marriage legally but, emotionally it may take up to two years before one or both partners decide to move on. Just because the two people start dating other people doesn't necessarily mean that they are over each other either. There are still the messy little things like children, child custody/visitation, and child support. There are still the little jealousies and pettiness that go on after any relationship ends, not just a marriage. Watch how two people who were recently divorced act when they just happen to run into the other out in public somewhere and that other person is with somebody else. Watch the body language. It's all there... in the eyes, in the snide remarks, and in the general hurt that surfaces. You can't hide it... that thing in the eyes... it's right there.

So, a guy feels betrayed. He's wondering who his now ex-wife is dating, he may be angry, he may feel overwhelmed, and if he is dating at all, he is never 100% focused on his new relationship. This is what happened with my friend... she would go all out for these guys and in nine cases out of ten, they just couldn't give her all of what she was giving them. She's never been married and they have just gotten out of marriage. All these men want right now is some comfort and a release (I know what you're thinking but, I wasn't talking about just that kind of release). Perhaps, in all fairness to whoever should cross their path, these guys shouldn't be dating seriously anyway because it's way too soon.

I'm speaking as an observer and as a male. Some recently divorced couples even continue to sleep with each other. I suspect that this is for no other reason than the fact that it is familiar and safe. The problem is that eventually, one or both of them finds someone new and this is when the problems start.

The other issue I took with my friend is that even now, at this point in her life, she is still talking about not "settling." She wants someone who can bring as much if not more to "the table" as she has... so, in her case, that would be a man with a Master's Degree, a bigger house, a nicer car and no small kids. She didn't say that and I don't think she meant that when we had our conversation but, I'm just surmising that some people who do say that actually mean they want a man who can match them.

My good friend and fellow blogger Lisa Vazquez (Blackwomenblowingthe trumpet) brought up a very good point... having a nice home (that you bought yourself), being a "lion in the business world" (as one of my ex-girlfriends actually told me I needed to be once, while she was incidentally standing next to me flipping burgers... go figure), having a nice car, and multiple degrees are all wonderful achievements... but, none of those things is going to make a man (or a woman, for that matter) fall in love and keep a relationship in place for a number of years. All of those things are superficial and if you're lucky, you may find somebody with one or two or maybe three qualities but, never all of them. In the long and short of it, men and women ultimately fall for and stay with the person who treats them the best... the person with the best personality and character... a personality that is compatible to their personality and their emotional needs.

Nobody likes to use those words but, if you ask successful couples why they are still together and still happy, it's because they are friends and lovers. I've never once heard anybody say, "Oh, it's because he/she has a fly car!"... "DID YOU SEE HIS HOUSE, GUUURRRLLL?"... or "Lawd, he got such a big degree!" I have never heard that and remember... I'm talking about the happy couples that make it work. It's character and personality. Now sure, looks, sexual compatibility, and economic stability are all factors in the mix but, it's rarely all of those things at once. All of us do without something in the one we eventually wind up with... all of us settle. If we could build the perfect someone, a lot of the bartenders and self-help gurus would be out of business. Forget what ya heard... everybody settles.