Beef & Beer

When I was 12 years old, me and a friend of mine started liking the same girl and we were competing hard for her attention. When he wasn't over her house, I was over there and after a while, everybody on the block knew that we were both trying to romance this girl except the two of us. (This was going to be a pattern in my dating life that was going to follow me but, I didn't realize it then, and this is probably where it all began.) We eventually did find out about each other and a fist fight nearly broke out. My uncle was coming home from work and he broke it up before it escalated. (Grown folks used to do stuff like that back in the day... they weren't afraid to be grown folks.)

My uncle thought that it was totally ludicriss that two guys who had been such good friends were about to go to war over some chick who was, more than likely, not that interested in either one of us. I don't know how my uncle, my mother, and grandmother, for that matter, were always so dead on in their analysis of people and human nature, but they always seemed to be astonishingly on point in their perceptions. Maybe they had been young once too and this had happened to them or someone they knew. You think?

Anyway, my uncle was right. The girl in question was actually trying to get the attention of a 16 year old guy who had an equal amount of disdain for her as she had for us. We were 12 years old and too young for beer so, he took us to this spot called Dan's Ice Cream. It was at the corner of our block but now, long closed... long gone. I think the spot is now somebody's apartment. He bought me a banana split with the wet walnut , strawberries, and chocolate syrup, just the way I liked it. He bought my friend a peach milk shake. (Yeah, I shook my head too and thought the same thing at first but I took a sip of that shake and that shake was good. Dan made all kinds of flavored shakes.)

My uncle had a dish of ice cream himself and we sat and talked the whole thing out and shook hands. He made us agree to never, ever fight over something like this again. He gave me a stern talking to that afternoon. He said if you have to fight another man over a woman, chances are, you ain't the guy she wants in the first place... and neither is he. He said, once a woman really likes a man, there is never a need for him to have to fight over her because SHE'LL let everybody know what's up. A good lesson indeed... but, the point was, we all sat down, had something refreshing, and worked it out.

The next time I was in a situation like that, I was about 23 years old. I went to a house party and a guy was there who was also a friend of mine. He was drunk and was arguing with some other guy about trying to make a move on his lady. The argument got heated, he swung at the guy, missed, and punched me instead. My nose bled like a gusher... Blood was running down my suit and I said... "Hey, you hit me!!!" My drunken friend said... "I'm so sorry man but, you shouldn't have been standing so close... that's what your newsy ass gets."

This brought about gales of laughter from everybody around so, I hauled off and punched him in his face and knocked him backward so hard his head smacked up against the wall and he fell down. I did this because I didn't want him to feel too guilty about hitting me. People can have a complex about that kind of thing, you know.

Now, we were both bleeding profusely and standing outside of this house party. My uncle, who was long dead by this time, would have just shaken his head if he had witnessed this incident. However, there was cooler head amongst us... an older cat who grabbed both of us and walked us down to the neighborhood bar. He took us in the bathroom and we washed our faces and tried to wash some of the blood off of our clothes but, to no avail.

We sat down and he ordered three beers... we all sat and drank the beers and actually laughed about what had just taken place. Eventually, even the guy he was arguing with, who he meant to punch, came in and had a beer too. By the time the night was over, we were all friends and trying to sing Billy Joel's "For The Longest Time".

Guys and beer kinda work like that together. I don't know how women handle their "beefs" or if they ever do. I've seen women hold on to stuff for years with other women but, I hope my female readers will give us some insight into how they resolve their conflicts.

Last night, President Barack Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden had Henry Louis Gates and the officer who arrested him at the White House and they were having beers, talking, and laughing about the situation last week. I'm sure after a few beers, they discovered that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. They might've even have wound up singing "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell and Michelle might have to just leave them all on the White House lawn until tomorrow morning. See, this is how men handle things. Somewhere, my uncle is looking down right now, smiling, and saying... "Yeahhhhhhhhh!"