Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Drama-Free Relationships

Can we drama-proof our relationships? This is a question I have pondered after reading a number of blog posts and listening to a lot of my male and female friends speak on the subject. Sometimes, I wonder if some of us want the drama or just need the drama.

Before I met my wife of 19 years, I took a breather for a hot minute and took stock of all of my previous relationships. In every last one of them, somebody lied or misrepresented themselves in some way which led to a lot of non-sense and unnecessary stress of some type. Why do we lie to each other in these relationships? Well, let's look at it...

Women lie to themselves all the time. A lot of times, they know the type of guy they have after the first few conversations. They know who and what he is... they have chance after chance to ask certain questions about this guy and time and time again, they don't. After a lot of relationships end, I have often asked the woman, "How come you didn't know such and such? What did you all talk about when you were dating?" I usually get a shrug, the bent head, and the averted eyes.

Women are afraid to ask questions that matter and afraid to set standards because they fear that the man is going to leave them if they do. Ladies, let me let you in on a little secret... If a man really wants you, he's not going anywhere. There is not too much you can do to run him away. Now, if a man's primary motive when he comes across you is just to "get some", then maybe he will run if challenged... but then again, you don't want that kind of guy anyway, do you?

Now, men lie too but, not in the way you ladies might think. We know from the minute we first meet you and get to know you a little bit if you're "the one" or just "one of the ones"... feel me? We know if we want to hang around for the long haul or if it's just a sex thing but, we aren't going to tell you that and do you know why? Because a lot of us feel, if we are that honest and upfront with you all, you are not going to go for it and, in most cases, that's true. So, a lot of us pretend to be someone who we're really not so that we can get what we want and you ladies let us, just so you can say, "Ah got a man and you don't. How do ya like me now?" Here's a case in point...

A guy I knew (who I'll call Juan) was seeing this girl for about three months. He told her that he occasionally saw other women and that he didn't see their relationship as an exclusive one yet but, it had the potential to be that one day. I know what some of you ladies are thinking... Bull, right? Wrong, he was absolutely serious. His girl said, "Well, if you're seeing other women, then I guess I need to be seeing other men and I think I will." He said that he really didn't want her seeing other men but, in light of what he was doing, he understood and wouldn't stand in her way but, he would still like to see her from time to time.

Strange as that relationship sounds, it worked out. No following anyone around... no hurt feelings if someone came back and reported that they saw Juan with another woman... no nothing. They eventually got married. I don't know if he still "sees other women" but, they had a very drama-free and open courtship. Now, why can't we all do that? I can't lie... I couldn't be that upfront myself but, it's a wonderful example of how relationships could be drama-free and actually work.
My marriage is the only drama-free relationship that I have ever been a part of in my life. Why is that? I couldn't tell you. God just looked down at a fool and had mercy on him, I suppose.


Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Brother!

It's sad but some people cannot function outside of drama....I would rather be alone than have unnecessary drama in a relationship!....I know challenges come and I'm willing to fight through those...but drama I just can't do!

Praise God for having mercy on you when he put your wife in your life...God bless you both!

Somebodies Friend said...

I hate all that drama in relationships. Everyone I was ever in has been drama central, and had lots of misrepresentation.

It's funny you should mention the 'open relationship' aspect in your post.

Let me tell you a funny story.

In my last relationship I ask my gal if she would be 'hip' to having the relationship 'open'.

She told me "No way, I could never stand the thought of you with another woman!"

Well guess what happened, I found out she was 'seein' a bunch of guys on the side, and I never cheated on her once, even though I had all kinds of opportunity!!!

It wasn't pretty, I was heartbroken, I also could see a lot of the signs because of my previous drama full relationships.

Never again will I put up with a womans lyin and cheatin ways, never again.

Toni said...

I wish I could've drama proofed my marriage.

Angie B. said...

@Toni-I wish you had too and I'd still have my apartment to myself-lololol.

Toni said...

@Angie B- lololol-You're foul, you know that right?

Lisa said...

We all wish we could drama proof our relationships but life is drama,drama is life, what can we do..that's just how it is sometimes.

Sunflower said...

Believe it or not ,I've had a few
"Drama proof' relationships..We had full disclosure and we stuck to our terms.

Angie B. said...

@Sunflower- Girl what is your secret?

Toni said...

@Sunflower-I would like to know myself-lolol

Grover Tha Playboy said...

That's why I'm a playa..No drama-
lololol...Just kiddin yall.

James Perkins said...

Another Great Post Brother Keith.
Congradulations to you on having a
successful marriage...I'm trying to get to where you are.

Simon Bastion said...

I am in a new relationship now and we are trying to experiment with being non-exclusive..I think everybody involved has to be on board with that for it to work.

tate2 said...

Everybody hates drama, but as Lisa
said-"Life is drama" and "Drama is life."

Sunflower said...

@Toni & Angie B- Honesty, Patience
and a lot of luck-lolololol

Shanita Waters said...

Very interesting...As I read your blogs, I think it's a good thing that you had so many expereiences and friends that had so many dramatic experiences before you met your wife. I believe that the reason why your relationship is "drama free" because you had a chance to see that there's nothing out there but drama when you misrepresent yourself. so that's a little lesson in itself right there.

Now on another note, some of us who were once used to dramatic relationships go through a period once we become engaged in a "drama free" relationship where we are suspicious of the other party or just waiting for the drama to errupt. So while I don't think that an open relationship is a good idea, I do think that open lines of communication are necessary to limit the drama in the relationship.

Raven said...

I think it worked for "Juan" because he was open and honest up front. he did not lead the woman to believe she was the one and only. A lot of times drama happens when someone lies about their intentions. That is when you see women do things outside of their character because they opened themselves up to believe that a man is being truthful and really wants to have a meaningful relationship. So a man can't be mad when he sees his car windows busted, or his front door painted, or all of his nice church suits cut up in small pieces...I'M JUST KIDDING!!!!!!

Great post

12kyle said...

good post!

i think we all have some drama that just comes with us. some of it...we can't control (i.e family). i think we need to be more realistic about what we will and won't tolerate before we get in a relationship

Eb the Celeb said...

This was right on point...

I think I didn't really know what I wanted until this year... so dating for me has been just going threw the motions... and now that I know what I want... my dating life doesn't exist...

so yes some women settle because they feel like this is the best they are going to get and would rather do that than be alone.

There are so many levels to this and so much in here that I will just stop there

Anonymous said...

I've had one drama free relationship. We were both open with each other about our relationship. We weren't exclusive but we knew where we stood with each other.

SLC said...

When I think of drama, I think of fiction. When I think of fiction, I think of lies. When I think of lies I think of drama.

Problem is, you can only help what you say, not what someone else hears.

I mean my friend had a girl pay him a surprise 1st time visit. Well this girl who had been ignoring him for a while WENT OFF cause she saw a used condom on the floor. Now that was tacky on the dude's part, but apparently she heard him say I'm saving all my love for you. DRAMA just because she heard something he never said.

Opinionated Diva said...

I do think some people bring the drama with them and/or create unnecessary drama when there isn't any. THEN, they COMPLAIN about the don't get it.

I think in some cases you'll have someone who doesn't show you who they really are in the beginning, but MOST OF THE TIME, the signs are there.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Man Keith,

I just finished telling my friends how easy my relationship is with TOM A. Maybe the easiest I have ever had in my life.

I told them it was easy and I was happy and I haven't been that way with a man in a long time. Even when we disagree its not drama. Or when something upsets me I feel I can tell him and he doesn't dismiss my feelings just listens.

I do think things can be drama free, but it takes honesty and grown up behavior on both parts. And realistic expectations as well.

Great blog!


Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

I think everyone's relationship experiences drama at one point or another; however, the main issue is the occurance of the drama and to what extent.

Men and women are both going to lie at the begining of the relationship...that's just how we are. We are sweet, giving, romantic, and more willing to do sexual time goes on, all of that goes down the drain and the drama comes up.

Somebodies Friend said...

@SLC: Tacky is putting it mildly, I was apart from someone I cared about and they sent me an email by mistake, one that outlined a 'hookup', we hadn't been together in a while, and I didn't expect her to 'wait' for me, but I was really angry because I felt like it was very insensitive on her part. Plus it was kind of a don't ask don't tell thing at the time, only to receive a detailed 'hookup' correspondence.

she did say something to the effect that she was saving it for when I came home, even though It wasn't a huge deal if she met her needs somewhere else seeing I was away for so long.

I just felt like it was being rubbed in my face.

I am over it, but I won't say it didn't hurt my feelings.

LadyLee said...

Well said, bruh... Very well said.

I do believe some people love drama. Heck, it's all in our music, our media... it's almost expected.

great post!

CurvyGurl said...

Hmmm...I agree, Keith. Lots of interesting comments here so I'll just say that I'm "keeping hope alive" that the next man will be a drama-free one :).


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