Friday, November 4, 2011

Weekend Humor




When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said,
''This is Keith. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
''Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ''wrong'' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a#@hole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, ''You're an a%$hole!''

It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ''a@@hole'' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is Slim Shady from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled ''NO!'' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're an a@@hole.
And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.


I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I said, 'Is this the guy with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, ''Yeah, it is.''

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, ''Yes, I live at ______. , in East Oak Lane.
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.''

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Donavan Hawkins.'' (Not his actual name)

I asked, ''When's a good time to catch you, Donny?'

He said, ''I'm home every evening after five. And don't call me Donny.I'm sellin a car, I aint tryin to get to know you''

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, ''What ?''

I said, 'Donny, you're an a$$hole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a$$hole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, ''You're an a$$hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, ''Are you still there?''

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, ''Stop calling me''

I said, ''Make me.''

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, ''My name is Donny Hansen.''

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, ''butthead, I live at _______., in East Oak Lane, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.''

He said, ''I'm coming over right now, Donny . And you had better start saying your prayers.I'm gone knock yo a$$ out''

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole,' and hung up.

Then I called A$$hole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, ''Hello, a$$hole,''

He yelled, ''If I ever find out who you are...''

I said, ''You'll what?''

He exclaimed, ''I'll kick your a$$''

I answered, ''Well, a$$hole, here's your chance.I'm coming over right now.' '

"Good..I'll be waiting." he yelled.

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to ________, in East Oak Lane, to kill my ex-girlfriend....

Then I called Channel 10 News about the gang war going down on __________ in East Oak Lane.
 .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to East Oak Lane .I laughed all the way up Lincoln Drive...

I got there just in time to watch two grown men beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW, I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.



Don't try this at home!   Have a great weekend everybody!

2 comments:

Rich said...

Please tell me you found this and that you didn't actually do all of this. If you did, it puts a new spin on Keith M.

Remind me to never piss you off.

Keith said...

@Rich-I made this up...and put myself into the story...This is actually an old joke that I fictionalized...No it's pure fiction..I don't have the time or the nerve to actually do something like this.




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