Weekend Humor

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. So, she spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ''I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" He replied, "Oh, I'd say about 32.'' The woman said happily, ''Nope! I'm exactly 50.'' The clerk said, "Really? Wow! You look good!" The woman smiled... that was exactly what she wanted to hear. She was amazed that at 50 she could still turn the heads of guys half her age.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ''I'd guess about 29 or 30." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50.'' The girl said, "Wow! I hope I got it goin' on like that when I'm 50. You, go girl!" said the girl at the counter. Now, she's feeling really good about herself , but she still has to ask someone else.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, ''Oh, I'd say 28.'' Again, she proudly responds, ''I'm 50, but thank you!'' "He said, "50? Come on! Are you serious? Stop playing!" She shows him her drivers license, he shakes his head, and said... "Wow, that's incredible. You must fool a lot of people." She laughed and replied, "Apparently, I have." He added, "Wow, guys must be all over you." She laughed again and said... "Yeah, I get my percentages."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ''Lady, I'm 78 years old and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'' he said.

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out... ''Oh, what the hell. Go ahead.'' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says... ''Okay, okay. How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and said... ''Madam, you are 50 years old.'' Stunned and amazed, the woman said... ''That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man asked, ''You promise you won't get mad?'' She said, "I promise."

''I was standing behind you at McDonalds." He laughed!