This Might Be Controversial But....

This might be a controversial post, but this being my blog and a place where I can get things off my chest so, let me just get to it...

There was a somewhat controversial show on Nightline last week that featured Steve Harvey, Jacquie Reed, Sherry Sheppard, and Hill Harper called "Why Can't A Successful Black Woman Find A Husband?" And, before anybody asks... no, I didn't watch it. Why not? Well, for one thing, I've been married to a successful Black woman going on 21 years now, so this program doesn't fit me. Secondly, I'm sure that nothing was said that I haven't read in my wife's Essence magazines, that I haven't heard discussed by my single Black female friends ad nauseum, and I'm tired of having this discussion and hearing all the takes on it.

Every Saturday, I drive through my predominately black neighborhood and I see a wedding at some church. It's almost always a Black woman and a Black man coming out of the church, smiling, laughing, and having rice thrown on them, along with a huge wedding party. I don't know the occupation of either person, but I can guess that at least one of the happy people is "successful" according to our society's standards. So, were these couples left out of the statistics?

While I'm mentioning "statistics", where are these stats coming from? Who does the research? Why does it seem like this is just a problem amongst Black people? Are Asian, Arab, Native American, Latino, and White women having a problem finding a "successful" man of their race to marry or is this just a Black thing?

What I do know is that this is a money thing! Careers have been made (by some friends of mine, I must admit) by mining the waters of the so-called relationship-challenged, sucessful sistah. Now don't get me wrong... I know that it's hard out here for a lot of educated and employed Black women. I also won't dispute the fact that a lot of brothers are (and here comes the litany) already married, gay, incarcerated (or on their way to being incarcerated), underemployed, and undereducated.

I have heard this litany ever since Terry McMillan wrote her novel "Waiting to Exhale". If I wanted to be persnickety, I could also say that there are now a number of Black women who fall into some of the same categories... which means that the young man coming out of college who is gainfully employed and "marriage material" now has to watch himself and weigh his options. But, I won't get into that because Black women outnumber Black men nearly three-to-one. We could argue that finding a suitable mate is much more in a Black man's favor than a Black woman.

We can argue the numbers game all day long (and all night long), but the thing is, we will never come to a solution. The reason why is because you're not supposed to. Not coming to a solution gives someone else a new relationship book to write, a new speaking tour to go on, and unfortunately for those who are weak-minded, a new reason to feel hopeless.

When I met my wife and decided to get married, I didn't consult Essence and I didn't read any book for statistics either. And, if you ask the people who are getting together and getting married, they aren't either. hey are getting out there and making it happen. They might fail, but they aren't giving up. They are getting up and going at it again. They are learning from their mistakes and adapting to situations. This stuff comes from common sense and life experiences... not books, forums, etc.

Comedian Kat Williams said (in so many words), "If you are a woman over 30 years old and you still saying 'Niggas ain't shit', maybe you should be reevaluating what is it about you that attracts niggas that ain't shit." Funny, but true. I can't tell you how many of my female friends have unsuccessful relationships because they constantly attract and choose to get involved with the same type of man over and over again.

One girl constantly gets involved with insecure, jealous, overbearing, and controlling men. Another constantly falls for married men, men who are seperated but not yet divorced, or men who just got out of a marriage last night. Another constantly gets involved with damaged men who she feels she has to " fix". So, I sit by and watch relationship after relationship fall apart. It's like the record by the Four Tops... "It's The Same Old Song". The guy just has a different name and lives on a different street.

Ladies, here's some advice. Wanna find a good man? (notice, I didn't say "sucessful"). Your version of "sucessful" and my version may differ from "Nightline's" version. Start writing down realistic qualities that you want and look for them in the guys you meet and date. When you're on the date, this is what you should be talking about... likes, dislikes, beliefs, associations, etc. Not what kind of a car the guy drives, whether or not he has an MBA, etc.

A guy can have a fly car, six MBAs and on his way to a PhD, and be the worst bastard you ever met. A guy could have just a Bachelor's degree and not making six figures yet, but is on his way and could be the nicest, most caring man you'd ever want to meet. But, hey sistahs, I hear you... sometimes it's hard to meet a guy who even has that much goin on. I know.

I could go on but I've probably said enough already... but, I'd be most interested in your thoughts on the matter.