The thing about writing and blogging is, if one does either too long and or too much, one leaves little pieces of oneself out there (either on paper or in cyberspace) that reveals who he or she truly is. I'm going to lose some cool points here but, I actually thought about what type of marriage I wanted to have prior to getting married (almost no guy I know does that). Most of my friends got engaged under protest and then resigned themselves to just showing up at the wedding with a nice haircut and a decent tux. (I was an hour late to my wedding but, I did have fresh haircut and a great tux.)
Around the age of 26, a lot of my friends began getting married and I began thinking about the inevitability of doing the same. Me and one of my close friends thought about this and we both said that we wanted to get all of the "play" and wildness out of us because marriage (after all) was a serious thing and it was to be approached with a "sober" mind. I laugh about it now when I think of how innocent and idealistic I was back then.
When I was younger (and like most Americans), I didn't look at my parents as role models for the type of marriage I wanted... I looked at celebrities. I wanted to have a marriage like Cliff and Claire Huxtable. (Basically, I did get that minus the money, status, and cool sweaters-lol!) But, more than anything, I wanted to have a relationship like Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee. (Go ahead... you can laugh.)
Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee were married for 57 years. They were actors and lived in Hollywood so, that says a lot. These two were in movies together, worked together, and lovied each other since before I was born... so, if there was any marriage out there that was going to provide a measuring stick for me, it was theirs. I didn't want to be married multiple times and have kids by this wife, kids by that wife, and a baby mama (or two) hanging around like so many other people I knew. I was playing for keeps, like my man Ossie Davis and his wife, Ruby Dee.Well, they wrote a book about their life together a few years before Ossie passed away. I just happened to be leafing through it earlier this year and discovered a shocking fact about their relationship. They had an "open marriage"! When I think of the term open marriage, I think of swingers and hipsters from the late 1960's and the free love 70's. I don't think of these two who were part of my parents generation. (In fact, both Ossie and Ruby were older than both of my parents.) It appears that Ossie and Ruby were ahead of their time... some twenty years ahead of their time.
Ossie said in the book, "It wasn't the cheating that destroyed most marriages... it was lying about it." So, he and Ruby agreed that they could see other people as long as the other person knew about it and agreed to it. Don't get me wrong... I'm not judging their decision or championing it but apparently, it worked for them. They stayed together from the time they got married until his death in 2005... a total of 57 years. I know couples that couldn't stay together for 57 days!
I'm a closet "hopeless romantic" and I view marriage as sacred and I struggle daily to keep mine sacred and special. To me, an open marriage is really adultery just gussied up a bit. I mean... if I'm free to do what I want as long as my partner knows about it and is cool with it then, why get married? I could be single and do the same thing with less guilt and absolutely no responsibility.
Open marriage wouldn't be my thing. This is my opinion and you may not agree. If you don't, that's cool. Like I said, I'm not judging anyone. I just know that it wouldn't work for me. For one thing, I couldn't play the game fair because I wouldn't want my wife with another guy. Most men, if you ask them and they are honest, would tell you that they want to play but, they don't want to imagine their woman with another guy. Forget what you see in the porn movies (not that I watch them).
My blog family has a lot of strong opinions on a lot of subjects and I'd like to hear your opinions on "open marriage". Oh... just for the record, this revelation didn't make me look at Ossie and Ruby in a bad light... just differently.
8 comments:
yeah i didnt have a problem with trying to read your post. sometimes it freezes up on me for some reason,lol
anywho, since we are being totally honest. i thought about it before, that i would try the swingers thingy thing,lol
but i dont know, who's to say when i get married that i want to be going through all of that. so many things can go wrong and disease is running rampade this days.
soooo, but i dont judge anyone who likes to do their own thing. cause i am one that likes to experiment,lol and that's being totally honest.
does it make you look at your sweet Dreamy differently,lol???d
@Dreamy-lolol-No, Never That!
Hey stranger! I know work, allergies, vacation recoup, but I’m here today and it seems just in time.
Supposedly today’s Ruby and Ossie, Will and Jada, have the same arrangement. I don’t think it’s a bad a idea if it works for you. To me marriage is way more than sex. Its more about the friendship and partnership. The thing is sex is just that to me sex, sure there is meaningful sex and then there is the kind sex that has nothing to do with anything but primal urges.
I think that in today’s world open marriages and even polygamy are all marital option that I would be open to explore given the maturity and mindset of my mate. As someone who has dealt with infidelity it was the fact that he had sex it was the fact that he lied about it and then didn’t take responsibility for his actions. I mean if he had we probably would still be- nah actually we wouldn’t be, but that is more because unlike you I didn’t think about what I wanted in a marriage or husband before getting married.
When we were in DR I had said I could totally see going on an adult vacation and wilding out with my hubby completely. And someone was like not my husband maybe a boyfriend, but to me that seemed backwards. I mean after all why not give the man you pledge to spend your life to his fantasy instead of just some Joe blow who will later tell the story like your some freak of the week. I guess I am crazy that way.
I’d be really interested to see what the divorce rates for open marriages look like. I also wonder how often one takes the offer to go outside. I mean when I think of relationships I have head where I have loved the person and we weren’t exclusive I have very rarely wanted to be with anyone but that person and even when given the chance to be with someone else I very rarely took it the chance if the person I loved was available. So I would have to think open marriage husbands/wives don’t often participate. To me an open marriage is not necessarily one where the couple swings. I’m out.
-OG
It seem like I remember reading an interview Ruby Dee did and the question came up about their open marriage. She said people took it the wrong way. She said they tried it for awhile but it didn't last.
I don't have anything against people who have open marriages. Whatever works for you. But it's not for me whether I'm in a marriage or being the "other" woman in someone else's marriage. I have thought about just wilding out with a boyfriend but never with a husband.
I don't think i would want it like that...but if at some point the subject came up, i'm just saying i wouldn't be totally against it...i also feel that if it is just a physical thing, that wouldn't bother me as much as my mate having an emotional affair with someone...I want to be the only one loved in the house.
btw - i heard that Jada and Will have this type of relationship as well.
another thing - think back in biblical times, and in some other coutries it is perfectly acceptable to have many wives, concubines and mistresses. We are not the norm. But, so...can i have like 10 husbands...noooooo, smh.
I was kind of in an "open" marriage
,it's just that my ex-husband didn't bother to tell me.
I'm all for it.
Well I got no problem with your post. Truth is almost 11 years into marriage, I feel somewhat similiar to Ruby & Ossie. I would rather my husband be open and discuss things before he step out on him and he feels the same way. That said in 11 years neither of us have the felt the need to try that policy out.
Truth is too many folks have a fairy tale view of marriage IMO and the reality is relationships have their ebbs and flows. Don't even throw kids into the mix, that totally changes it up.
As always a good post.
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